I have been one acquainted with the night
by jnicweb
Summary: I have been one acquainted with the night. I have walked out in rain—and back in rain. I have outwalked the furthest city light. -Robert Frost. Alec and Jace have an overdue talk about Magnus and Alec's horrible self-esteem. No slash but super bromance.


**New story, takes place in Heavenly Fire when Alec and Jace are having that heartfelt talk about Magnus. My take on how the talk went.**

 **Title taken from Robert Frost's poem which I don't own.**

Family is important to me. Being pretend orphaned more times than I can count, having thirty different last names and fathers and believing that I was related to the one girl I loved puts some kind of importance on the one family whose been there for me since the beginning. The Lightwoods took me in when I had nothing left to believe in. They taught me things that Valentine could have never even known about. Alec and Isabelle and Max and Maryse and even Robert showed me compassion and love even when I had nothing to give. I was a scared, abandoned and hurt ten year old and they just treated me like one of their own. I didn't know how to love or how to care about someone. But the Lightwoods taught me and for that I am extremely grateful.

I try not to let them know that I need them though. They need to believe that I am strong and independent so they don't worry about me. They have enough to worry about with Alec and Isabelle and Max. If I take care of myself, then the Lightwoods can take care of their family without the strain of protecting me. Even after all these years I don't really view myself as Jace Lightwood. I don't deserve their last name. I need to be independent, for their sake and for mine.

I don't like depending on people. It makes me feel vulnerable. I don't like knowing that my life is in someone else's hands, because I've had too much experience with them dropping it. I don't trust easily. It takes a while to get into my heart, to let me know that you have my back. But somehow, Alexander Lightwood did that with a single look. He wormed his way into my trust, and I'm not quite sure how he did it. But I trust him with everything I have. And that means I can't ever let him know that I need him.

I can't let him know how much I am not independent.

I can't let him know how vulnerable I am.

I can't let him know how much I need him to look after me because I can't look after myself.

He can never know any of these things because he will constantly be looking over his shoulder to make sure that I am not dead. He needs to know that I can take care of myself so he can focus on taking care of himself and not getting himself killed.

Sometimes I feel guilty when he won't meet my eyes after I've told him off for protecting me again.

Sometimes I feel a little bad when he doesn't realize his worth and his importance to me.

Sometimes I feel a twinge of pity when I catch him being disgusted with himself for caring too much.

I know I've made him the way he is. Too scared to love, too scared to draw attention to himself. I know I've made him scared to talk to people and scared to be himself. But as long as he's alive and not dead because of me, that's all that matters.

At least, that's what I thought until the cave.

0000000000

I caught Alec sneaking out of the mouth of the cave around what I thought was dawn. His head was bowed down on his chest and his shoulders drooped the way they had when he was uncomfortable with being gay. He never really stood up straight and his eyes were always looking at the ground, like he was afraid of looking at the wrong person. After he had met Magnus, his shoulders had squared up a little straighter and he had looked a little bit more confident in himself, but now he looked completely defeated and sad. I also noticed he was carrying the liquor bottle.

I thought about following him out, but thought that he could use some time by himself. If I were in that situation, the last thing I would want is someone sticking their nose in it. So I decided to leave him alone until he wanted to talk.

But as minutes turned into an hour, and he was still out there, I started to get a little worried. Maybe this was bigger than what I had originally thought.

I talked myself in to seeing if he was okay, just for my own conscience. As soon as I saw him sleeping, as he probably was after all that alcohol, I would go back inside and pretend I didn't see anything.

That plan went out the window as soon as I saw Alec slouched against the cave with tears running down his face and the bottle almost empty.

I slowly walked over to him, careful to not make any sudden movements, just like I was stalking a demon or an animal. Then I realized that this was _Alec_ and of course he wasn't going to spook like an animal. So I walked confidently over to him and plopped down next to him.

And he jumped a few feet in the air. I was almost as surprised as he was. He must have been really out of it to not notice me until I had literally sat down next to him.

"If you're going to make fun of me for being a girl, then leave. I can't really take it right now." Alec's sentences were broken up by little hiccupping sobs that I know he was embarrassed about.

"Well, I can surely mention your lack of a weapon, right?" I thought that fighting and defending himself would maybe elicit a reaction from Alec. Maybe drawing attention to something that was second nature to him, fighting, would let him worry about something other than whatever he was currently upset about.

"Raspberries, Jace."

What?

Alec had only used raspberries once since the day we made it up. It must be a pretty big deal if he was using raspberries to get out of talking about it. I decided to tread very carefully, because if I wasn't careful, he would probably throw me off the cliff for not respecting the raspberry code.

"Alright, so have you seen Clary?" Maybe getting him talking about someone he wasn't the fondest of would get him annoyed at someone other than me.

But he just shook his head. He didn't even scoff or look at me sideways to make fun of me for being so concerned about her.

"Can I have some of your liquor?" I knew that it wasn't really a safe topic, because he was obviously drinking to forget something, but figured he would share.

He handed me the bottle without even looking at me. He just kept staring off into the distance, with his back slouched against the cave wall, not even with a weapon in his hand. It was like he was inviting death or something. It was a _demon_ world, and he didn't have a weapon. I was starting to get seriously worried about Alec and I had no idea as to how to handle it.

"If you want to make yourself useful, you can go get me another bottle of alcohol," Alec finally said. His voice was small and almost afraid, and I thought I detected a hint of resignation. Like he had resigned himself to drinking liquor and dying right there against the cave. Like he wouldn't even care. Like he had nothing left to live for.

"I don't think we have any more. And I think you've had enough," I tried to steer away from the topic, but I couldn't let him get so drunk he passed out and died in his own vomit.

"I don't need you to look out for me, Jace. I know what I'm doing," Alec's voice was small, but strong. I believed him. I knew he didn't need me to protect him. But that didn't mean I wouldn't try.

"I know Alec. But I think you might be a little out of it right now, and I want you to know that I'm here for you-" Alec cut me off before I could say anything else.

"Are you really? Are you really there for me? Because ever since we landed in this god forsaken world, you've been nothing but callous, rude and ignorant. You are so caught up in your own problems with Clary, and everything that pertains to you that you don't notice anything around you. Have you noticed that I haven't eaten anything since we've been here? Have you noticed that I cry myself to sleep every night because I'm terrified of what I might face in the morning? Have you noticed that I have no weapons with me ever? Have you noticed that no one ever says," here Alec choked on something he couldn't say, " _his_ name because they know it will upset me? Of course not, because you have no problem speaking his name. Have you noticed any of these things? No, because you _don't care._ You cannot even imagine what I'm going through right now because you don't even know what it is. You can't comprehend how much I hate myself for not being with him right now. I don't even know if he's _alive._ I don't know if I'm going to find a body or my ex-boyfriend who doesn't even want to see me. Both would be terrible, but I'm going on this mission because I love him so damn much. And you didn't even know what was wrong. So I find it hard to believe that you are 'here for me.'" His face was bright red and his hands were clenched into fists.

"Alec, I'm sorry-" Again he cut me off.

"No, you're not. You always say that, but you never mean it. Because I know that the next time this happens, it will be the same damn thing. You'll be oblivious to everything except yourself, and you'll apologize but it won't mean anything because you'll do it again and again. So save it. I don't need you right now." With that he turned away from me, and I could see his shoulders shake with the effort of controlling his sobs.

He was right.

"Alec, I didn't know. I didn't know how much your heart was breaking. I know that I don't really look like I notice things about you, and for that I am truly sorry. I try to be as independent as I can so that you don't have to worry about me, but sometimes it kind of backfires and I end up hurting you more. I don't want you to think that you have no one on your side, or that you have no one who understands what you're going through. Because I want to be there for you. I want to be the shoulder you can cry on, and I want you to know that I will be there for you. I will be there to protect you and to have your back, no matter what. You mean a lot to me, and I don't want to lose you. Let me help you okay?"

His face was still streaming with tears and he still looked really pissed at me, but he didn't look like he was going to punch me, so I counted it as progress.

"It's hard to rely on other people when the only person at blame is me. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy because I brought this upon myself and even worse, I roped him into this too. So this is my penance for caring too much and giving my heart to someone who could never be with me. It's hard to think that other people could be there for me when I wasn't even there for him."

At that my heart broke for my brother. I had made him believe he didn't matter, that he wasn't worthy of happiness. I made him think he had no right to want love because he was unlovable. I did that to him.

"Alec, I want to listen very carefully when I say this because it needs to get through your think head. _You matter._ You are not nothing. There are people who care about you, and you are more than deserving of their love. Don't you ever think for a second that you are unworthy of being happy. You are more of a hero than any one I have ever known and I know I speak for Isabelle and Clary and Simon, and even Magnus, when I say that you are the bravest person we have ever met.

"Don't punish yourself for things that are not your fault. You did not bring this upon us, and you do not get to blame yourself for this. I want you to know that no matter how much you believe you are insignificant, you matter a great deal to me and I could not bear it for a second if you were not beside me. Think about that when you are waiting to be killed outside a god-forsaken cave with nothing but a bottle of alcohol to keep you company." He hadn't looked at me the whole time I had talked. But when he lifted his face, I could clearly see the relief painted on his features.

"Jace, I don't know where you've gotten the idea that I'm a fearless warrior, but it seems you've been misinformed," at that he gave a small self-deprecating laugh that I hated. He didn't get to make fun of himself. Only I could do that.

"No, my source was pretty reliable. It was a first-hand witness in fact. One that I trust a lot. It happens to be me actually," I tried cracking a joke but it fell flat as he looked up at me with surprise. I hated that he was surprised that I actually thought he was a good fighter, like he didn't believe it himself.

"I've been told by numerous people numerous times that I will never turn out to be half the hunter you are Jace. So don't humiliate me by saying I'm the best." His self-esteem really needed some work. And I desperately wanted to be the one who could help him, but I knew that would inevitably lead to his death. I knew I needed to let Magnus be the one who helped him.

"You know that I would never lie to you Alec. I truly believe that you are a good hunter and a good fighter. You aren't dead yet, so that's a good indicator right?" Again my joke fell flat. He still looked like he didn't believe me, and I couldn't blame him. I wasn't doing a very good job of cheering him up, or making him believe that he actually mattered as a human being.

"I appreciate what you're trying to do Jace, but I can't really take it right now." He looked so discouraged and defeated. I hated to see him like this.

"Alec, I mean it. I really do. You are the bravest person I have ever met. You never back away from a fight that I've gotten myself into, and you are always the first one to jump into the fight to protect Isabelle. You protect us better than we know how, and I can't even count how many times you've saved my life, and many of those you've probably done without me even knowing. I owe you my life Alec. You are my best friend and I love you." More than anything else, I believed that Alec needed to hear that. He needed to know that someone cared for him and wanted him to be safe.

"Jace, I don't know what-"

"No Alec, you need to understand this. You are my best friend. You are my brother. You are my family. You mean everything to me. And I want to be here for you. I want to help you get through this. The Angel knows you've always been there for me. So let me return the favor. Let me be there for you. Let me take away your pain and suffering. Let me be your brother again."

"Oh Jace. You never stopped being my brother."

 **Let me know what you think!**


End file.
